[r a n d o m h u m a n]

I’m thinking I should have bought cigarettes earlier when I passed by the shop. I’m doing one of those see-how-long-I-can-go things though, so I didn’t. Stupid, stupid boy. It’s pretty easy to say no to buying them when it’s only been a few hours since my last one, or I only just got up, but then a few hours later it’s agony. I feel like somebody has a rope around my chest and is tightening it more with every passing minute. My head is filled with beautiful ladies lounging seductively and blowing smoke in my face. Damn beautiful ladies, always lieing in wait for me to stop, then jumping out from behind my subconcious waving packets of silk-cut.

I’m very weak.

I couldn’t sleep last night (after writing the last two entries), so I wrote until 9am instead. Basically I was thinking about some of the characters for the novel I’ll never write. I’ll never write it because, while my ideas seem great in my head, they never work out the way I plan when I start writing. I suppose I just need some perseverance.

I hear a lot of complaints about capitalism and the world at work. Nobody ever seems to make the connection between the things they are complaining about and how they perpetuate them. People give out about hierarchical management and outrageous wealth differences in the same breath as they praise macdonalds’ ingenuity in conquering the fast food market. They complain about being on the bottom and dream about being on the top. They can never see that if they’re on the top, there will still have to be somebody struggling away on the bottom. They never see that they are contributing to their own and others exploitation by coveting expensive clothes, and cars, and food.Maybe I should drop a few hints, but I’ve never been very good at convincing people of the validity of my point of view, as you can probably tell by the absolute shite I’m talking now. In any case, anything outside capitalism is generally dismissed out of hand as crazy, crusty, or overly idealistic. It really doesn’t take much to take that first step out of the system. Just stop buying useless things. Use free or cheap, non-brand alternatives to things. Stop watching television, or cut down. Read indymedia. You don’t have to live on the street and eat out of dumpsters, or join a commune and grow your own food and make your own clothes (although those are also options, if you’re so inclined). Me, I do ok, non buying wise. I almost never buy clothes. I make them last. Seriously. I’ve been wearing pretty much the same clothes since I was 15. Most of the “new” clothes I’ve gotten since then I’ve either found, inherited, or been given by friends and relatives. I buy the odd CD, and watch the occasional movie, but these days I’ve been stealing a lot of music. Don’t tell me it’s wrong to steal from corporations that make millions every year while most of the world wallows in poverty, because you’re not going to convince me. When/if I become a published writer, I really hope people will publish my stuff illegally on the net, because I just want to be read, I don’t care about money. Is there a lot of money in writing? I don’t even know. Everyone always assumes that I want to do computer science because of the money, but that’s one of the things that put me off it for a while. I had a computer teacher before who was a pure snobby bastard who didn’t give a fuck about anybody but himself and his money, and I don’t want to turn out like that. Getting back to the commune thing, I actually wanted to drop out completely for a while there, but I realise now that it really doesn’t achieve anything but turn people against you. Which is wrong, but there you go. I wanted to to go live in a hut in a forest and grow my own food and drugs, and just forget about the world outside my head. Go a little mad. Whatever.

Ah fuckit. So many problems, so few solutions.

Eh! My first comment! Unfortunately, she didn’t even read the entry. I was standing right behind her, so I know. And if she had she would have said things like “What are you taaalllking about??” and “That’s shtuuupid! Intit?”

It’s a very strange culture we have, teetering between freedom and control. Everything is available, nothing is taboo, and yet this supposed freedom is a form of control. You can choose anything as long as it involves giving your money away. And the tellyviddy, that’s what really ties us all in to the system. Nobody likes people harping on about 1984, but really, what is the difference between the viewscreens that dictated to the people in that book, and the TV’s that we all enjoy so much? TV is a little more subtle of course, but therein lies its power, controlling and dividing us into markets for our “entertainment”.

But hey, what’s to be done? Most people don’t even think that there’s anything wrong with the world. So is it just my imagination? Are selfishness, isolation and materialism healthy and happy aspects of humanity?

Hitomi stole my laptop to watch DVDs. She was supposed to give it back today, but she ran away to Portumna. Dammit. I miss my laptop.

In other computer news, my sister wants to learn to use linux. Shouldn’t be too hard to teach/setup, now that I know a fair bit. I think I’ll put her using KDE. I used Gnome the other day, and it was SLOW!

On the home front, my parents are gone away for the weekend. My dad will be back tomorrow at 6. We’re having a party. I say we, but really I mean Nicki and my friends, because I have to work. 63 euro spent on beer, and I’ll only be able to start drinking at 4 in the morning, and sleeping might not be a good idea, since I’ll probably have to clean everything by myself. *insert random expletive here*

As the title suggests, everything is up in the air recently, although I’m not sure if that explains why I haven’t posted. I haven’t posted because I was writing. Writing like the wind. The up in the air stuff mostly concerns my move to Cork, where I will be attending UCC next year. But I have nowhere to live. Anybody want to put me up? Who the hell do I think I’m talking to anyway, nobody reads this…

Michi, my one time girlfriend, has gone to Japan, because her sister is really sick. Which is a bit shit. Not that she’s gone, but that her sis is sick. I’m sure she’ll be back eventually though, to mooch off me again… I was giving out about her to Nicki the other day, and I said it was wierd that she was 36 and unmarried, forgetting of course, that Nicki’s mom is unmarried. Oops. It’s not that I have a problem with middle aged unmarried people, I was just bitching. Random stupid bitching. I’m a bitter old man.

One of my best good friends will be coming over soon enough. Let’s have a big hand for Brendan, all the way from sunny California!! He doesn’t know it yet, but his ex-girlfriend, Antoinette, might be coming to Ireland soon too… Hopefully he won’t read it here before I tell him personally. Ah, who’m I kiddin’, nobody cares enough to read this. Even Karen (ex-girlfriend & best-friend.Try to keep up, people) doesn’t read this! But I’ll just ramble away regardless, because it’s fun. I don’t know what I get out of it really, but I don’t care either.

Enough gossip! It’s supposed to be about ME ME ME!

I got the strangest feeling recently, that I’d finally found myself, my place, my footing in life. Siezed the controls. LEARNT the controls. It makes a big change from a couple years ago, when I was a miserable, pathetic little shit who didn’t give a fuck about anything but drugs, and didn’t have any control over anything in his life. Now I just need my daily dose of women to keep me going Nah, I’m no huge fan of women at the moment either. But enough! Strange feeling. Details at a later date.

There was a time when I hated electronic music more than anything else. I’d leap up to change the station if I heard it on the radio, and anyone expressing a liking for it would recieve a look of disgust and such remarks as “It’s not even music! It’s all done on a computer!”, which is a really strange comment to be coming from somebody who likes computers as much as me. But I was always a rocker, and dance music was something which went against the emotion and “rebeliousness” of my favourite art form, with it’s empty and repetitive beats.

I don’t think like that so much anymore. I’ve developed a taste for that kind of dance which pushes the boundaries of expression. It’s hard to find among all the formulaic trash, but it’s there. The argument that it’s-not-music-cos-it’s-made-on-a-computer no longer holds any weight with me. The computer is just a tool like a guitar is a tool, and if it facilitates self-expression, how can it’s use be a bad thing? But of course, people have been saying that one form of music or another is just noise for a long time. Usually old people. And I’m not quite over the hill yet