Yarr! – The Weblog of Bob Heffernan

I did a search for theology jokes a while back and I found this:

Karl Barth, Rudolf Bultmann and Paul Tillich are taking a break together, fishing on Lake Geneva. They are having a lovely time, smoking their pipes, chatting idly.

It’s hot and they are getting thirsty. So Karl Barth gets up, steps out of the boat, and walks across the water to the shore, gets some beers and returns.

It’s quite hot so the beer doesn’t last long. Barth tells Tillich: “your turn, Paul”. Tillich gets up, steps outside the boat, walks across the water, and fetches some beer.

It is getting really hot now, and the beer is finished once again. Bultmann is beginning to sweat particularly profusely… and finally Barth asks him too: “Come on, Rudolf, your turn now.” With a slight tremor in his knees, Bultmann gets up, steps out of the boat, and sinks like a stone. Fortunately he is a good swimmer; he drags himself back into the boat and sulks at the far end.

Tillich turns to Barth and says: “Do you think we should have told him where the stepping stones are?”
Barth looks at him in astonishment and replies: “What stones?”

(HT: The Ironic Catholic)

I also like this one

One day the Pope received a phone call from an archaeologist in Palestine. “Holy Father,” the voice said, “I don’t quite know how to tell you this, but we have discovered what proves beyond doubt to be the very bones of Jesus!” Hanging up, the Pope convened his closest advisors. Explaining the situation, he asked the stunned clerics for suggestions. One stammered, “Holy Father, I believe there is a Protestant theologian in America who might be able to help us. His name is Paul Tillich.” Wasting no time, the Pope called Tillich’s office in New York. “Herr Tillich, I’m afraid we have quite a problem here, and we hope perhaps you can advise us. Archaeologists in the Holy Land have discovered the bones of our Lord Jesus!” Silent seconds passed, finally broken by Tillich’s heavy German accent: “Ach… he lived?”

(HT: I can’t quite remember where, originally.)

A few more:

(I wanted a picture of JD Crossan for this one, but couldn’t find one. Marcus Borg will have to do):

I’m sure this must have been done before, but anyway:

Laborers in the Vineyard

The kingdom of heaven is like a master of a house who went out early in the morning to hire laborers for his vineyard. After agreeing with the laborers for a denarius a day, he sent them into his vineyard. And going out about the third hour he saw others standing idle in the marketplace, and to them he said, “You go into the vineyard too, and whatever is right I will give you.” So they went. Going out again about the sixth hour and the ninth hour, he did the same. And about the eleventh hour he went out and found others standing. And he said to them, “Why do you stand here idle all day?” They said to him, “Because no one has hired us.” He said to them, “You go into the vineyard too.” And when evening came, the owner of the vineyard said to his foreman, “Call the laborers and pay them their wages, beginning with the last, up to the first.” And when those hired about the eleventh hour came, they were given only pennies, practically nothing, because they had only worked for an hour. What were they doing standing idle all day anyway? Communists, probably! In contrast, those who had been hired early in the morning were given the denarius they deserved and went home proud of having been justly rewarded for a good day’s work and proud of themselves for having pleased their master.

The Lost Coin

A woman, while in her house cleaning (where she belongs!) realised that she had lost one of her ten silver coins. So, caring as much about that one silver coin as the other nine she lit a lamp and swept the house with her broom and sought diligently until the found the coin. Having found the coin she called to her friends saying “Rejoice with me, for I have found the coin that I had lost.” Later that evening her husband returned and chastised her for losing the coin in the first place, saying she should be a more diligent steward of her money.

The Pharisee and the Tax Collector

Two men went up into the temple to pray, one a Pharisee and the other a tax collector. The Pharisee, standing by himself, prayed thus: “God, I thank you that I am not like other men, extortioners, unjust, adulterers, or even like this tax collector. I fast twice a week; I give tithes of all that I get.” That man is a pillar of the community. What a great guy!